IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extend do you agree or disagree.

#people #men #women
It has been obvious that there is a wide variety of natural qualities between males and females.
Therefore
, there is a common belief that
men
 are more competitive than women because of their nature. I partially concur with
this
 sentiment because there are natural and external influences on them.
This
 will be
further
 shown by analyzing
men
’s commitments as an external influential factor in their mindset and their natural physical skills influence.
To begin
 with,
men
 think competitively
as a result
 of their commitments. They are involved in many business and family obligations which motivate them to achieve their targets.
For example
, many high-qualified middle-aged
men
, in Egypt, compete to get
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leadership positions in their corporations
due to
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 benefits. These benefits ensure a career with prospects
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them
as well as
 meet their families’ needs.
Hence
, responsibilities play an incentive factor
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their way of thinking.
On the other hand
, natural physical differences between males and females encourage them to be quite competitive than women. To clarify, a myriad of
men
 are well-built naturally and
this
encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
show examples
 them to show off their physical skills and enjoy
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of personal success. To illustrate, a recent study by the Gulf Cooperation Council (GCC)
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
founds
Correct your spelling
found
show examples
 that about 80% of Arabian athletic
men
 participate in one-on-one
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 competitions,
whereas
 the same percentage of Arabian sportswomen compete in team sports. As
this
 example
shown
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
, unless they have
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
well-built qualities, they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 compete individually.
Hence
,
men
’s physical skills motivate them to be naturally
competitive
Correct quantifier usage
more competitive
show examples
 than women. In conclusion, having demonstrated the above-mentioned explanations of
men
’s competitive character, it seems to me that
men
 think and behave competitively
due to
 external
influence
Fix the agreement mistake
influences
show examples
 namely their responsibilities.
However
, their nature as a well-built creature makes them naturally
incline
Change the form of the verb
inclined
show examples
 to be competitive.
Submitted by g.fattah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Develop your introduction and conclusion to provide a clearer roadmap and reinforce your main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your ideas are presented in a logical and organized manner. Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: