IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#celebrities #money
In today’s world, we categorise
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous
people
 like singers, actors or models are the highest earners in society. It is said that they are significantly overpaid. In my perspective, I totally disagree with
this
 statement, I will give reasons.
Firstly
, like other occupations, celebrities have to train and practice for a long period, in order to improve their skills and expertise. Very few
people
 have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gifted talent like beautiful voices or potential acting skills, so they have to make efforts to survive and be famous in the competitive environment.
For example
, many singers,
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
usually called K-pop idols, have to be trainees for a long time,
can
Correct pronoun usage
which can
show examples
 be up to 10 years, before they can debut. Some reality shows record their process, and it’s obviously seen that life isn’t easy for anyone.
Therefore
, I think that the high salaries celebrities earn
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 worthy of their attempt.
Furthermore
, it is a case of supply and demand. We create demand by going to see their concerts and buying their music. The well-known
people
 perform for us, they inspire us and their products help us relax and reduce
stresses
Fix the agreement mistake
stress
show examples
. In conclusion, I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that the high salaries of famous
people
 are not overpaid. Personally, I think it’s
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 euphoria to pay for what
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 a smile to your face
while
 the celebrities are satisfied because they could dedicate their talents.
However
, more jobs in society just as doctors or teachers need to be paid higher because of
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 hard process
to become
Change preposition
of becoming
show examples
 successful.
Submitted by thvaan1.6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that your response addresses all aspects of the task prompt with clear, comprehensive ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure and overall coherence. However, ensure that your ideas are organized in a more cohesive manner to enhance overall readability and clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: