IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Do you Agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money ? Give reasons for your answer.

#celebrities #money
Entertainment is significant in life, so famous people
such
 as singers, actors,
models
Correct word choice
and models
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
benefit from
this
 field. It is argued that they are paid far too much
money
 .In my opinion, I tend to agree that they deserve a high salary for their dedication and effort. First of all, as
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 professions,
celebrities
 have to give a lot of time and relentless training
effortin
Correct your spelling
effort in
 the hopes of
shinning
Correct your spelling
shining
show examples
 in the limelight.
For example
, Korean trainees
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
spent many years efforting against thousands of
ones
Correct your spelling
others
show examples
 to reserve a debut.
Secondly
, not everyone has a rich artistic talent that has to go through the process of harsh training ,so that
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 can compete in a fast-firing work environment.
For instance
, Jin Bts is a person who has
practiced
Change the spelling
practised
show examples
 singing and dancing day and night because of his original background as a model, he needs to cultivate more skills to become an idol.
Therefore
, they absolutely
deserve
Add the particle
deserve to
show examples
 be paid a high income for their efforts. Another argument in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of paying a lot of
money
 for the jobs which
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
decuation
Correct your spelling
education
decoration
 and health of
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
. In fact,
Professions
Replace the word
Professionals
show examples
such
 as teachers, doctors and engineers
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have a more stable salary than well-known people. Because they do not have retirement pensions
then
Rephrase
apply
show examples
they get older and the amount of
money
 they receive depends on the number of tickets sold each concert and profit from the music product.
While
 the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
new
celebrities
 just appear and the old ones have to try their best to bring the quality end trendy goods in order to maintain their social position. It is undeniable that famous people are influencers who have power in
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 community to join them and their fans together to help the
disadvantages
Replace the word
disadvantaged
show examples
 or donate charitable funds.
Futher more
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, the spiritual contributions of
celebrities
 not only help us to relax but
also
 inspire the dynamic. In conclusion, I believe that
celebrities
 appropriate be paid far much
money
Change preposition
of money
show examples
 for their dedication.Because every occupation is equal, no job is more noble than
any one
Correct your spelling
anyone
show examples
,as long as they work true.
Submitted by tramytran09102003 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that you clearly address all parts of the question, provide relevant ideas, and support your points with specific examples.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the overall organization of the essay and ensure that your ideas are logically connected and coherently presented.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: