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Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think it us best to focus on computer and science. What is your opinion?

#people #music #school #focus #computer #science
Nowadays, certain folks elaborate creative activities
such
 as music could be a part of,
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 curriculum.
In contrast
, others argue that computing and science should be given the preference. In my view, following the complete range of
subjects
along with
 music at
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 level is necessary despite the difficulty in lesson
time
 allocation. In short, the necessity of
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 can be fulfilled at
primary's
Change the noun form
primaries
primary
show examples
.
Although
 continuing computer and science up to the academic level is vital.
Firstly
, variations of the thesis and creative skills are important to create the fundamental intelligence of teenagers,
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
show examples
 student satisfaction
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 creative arts encourages them for studies.
Such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 hip-hop cultural and jazz performances to improve social integration
as well as
 shaping students with creativity.
As a result
, a healthy mind will contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in many ways. In a word, a person with creative activity
such
 as music would keep him and others happy.
On the other hand
, at
academy
Correct article usage
the academy
show examples
level
Add a comma
level,
show examples
 students should be given the opportunity to concentrate on the main
subjects
,
while
 creative practices as a hobby
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
after school. To illustrate,
computer's
Change noun form
computers
show examples
 as hardware, software and networking
along with
 biology and chemistry expanded
range
Correct article usage
the range
show examples
 of subcategories, which are vital
as well as
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
. Lesson
time
,
allocating
Wrong verb form
allocated
show examples
 during institution hours will be hectic for teachers and the management. In short, more
time
 and effort is necessary to teach computing and scientific lessons, which is important for job prosperity in future. In conclusion, based on job prosperity, technical
subjects
 like IT and science should be up to academic standards,
while
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
 only at primary levels, will benefit learners
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
 or work. In my opinion, parents and teachers should collaborate together to expose their children to identify learning periods for extra
subjects
. In short, success relies on contribution towards knowledge.
Submitted by walidramo on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but need improvement in clarity and effectiveness. The main points are somewhat supported but need clearer development and examples.
task achievement
The essay partially responds to the task, but the ideas lack clarity and examples are not always relevant or specific. The response needs to be more focused and comprehensive.
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