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Band 3.5

Since the 18th century technological advances have replaced people in the workplace. With today’s technology this process is happening at a greater rate. Technology is increasingly responsible for unemployment. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?

#century #advances #people #workplace #today’s #technology #process #rate #unemployment
For two centuries technological progress has developed rapidly. And some
people
 believe that advancement has affected worklessness negatively. I absolutely agree with that statement, because machines are more productive and they have immunity to Hazards.
This
 essay discusses both reasons and makes several examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them.
It
Correct pronoun usage
There
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 is no doubt,
robots
Correct word choice
that robots
show examples
 do their work more
accurate
Change the word
accurately
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 and faster than human workers.
As a result
,
companies
Change the noun form
company
show examples
 owners prefer automated production lines for their quality and speed.
Moreover
, statistics show us that
people
 make a lot of mistakes that can affect on product
bad
Change the word
badly
show examples
. So, bosses do not want to waste their profit
out of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 defective goods.
For example
, most huge companies
such
 as Toyota and Ford have the best quality
of
Change preposition
apply
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cars.
That is
 because
people
 are not involved in the building process. The next reason why
people
 are not the best solution for various workplaces is immunity to dangerous environments.
In other words
, robots can work in places where humans cannot.
Furthermore
, human health is very vulnerable and any worker can get injured at any time,
while
 machines require only timely maintenance.
In addition
, medical bills and insurance are not attractive things for firms’ welfare.
For instance
, some heavy industries use special chemicals in their factories. In that case, only robots can stand in those places normally. In conclusion, I think technological advances are responsible for unemployment in some spheres. Mainly, any mechanism does human work better and faster. What is more, machinery can be active in any environment.
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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction needs to include a clear opinion and a preview of the main points to be discussed in the essay. The conclusion should summarize the key points and restate the opinion.
Task Achievement
The essay mostly addresses the task, providing relevant arguments for both reasons. However, the introduction and conclusion could be improved to fully meet the task requirements.
Lexical Resource
The essay maintains a good range of vocabulary, although there is room for improvement in the use of academic and formal language for a more sophisticated presentation of ideas.
Grammatical Range
There are some issues with sentence structure, word choice, and punctuation that affect the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. Work on using a wider variety of sentence structures and pay attention to subject-verb agreement.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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