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Band 5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There
an
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is an
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 argumentative statement heating up a debate
how
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on how
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 to become fruitful.
While
 some claim that the sole way to become a high achiever is to enter
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
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, others say that it has
heavy
Correct article usage
a heavy
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 dependence on alternative elements.
While
 each has its own merits,
i
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I
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 would contend that it is ideal to combine both mentioned factors. Without a shadow of a doubt, academies have
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
 impact on the accomplishment of each person. For the time being, everyone is living in a degree-based society. Especially, every company, no matter if it’s large or small requires its applicants to have a diploma from
well-known
Correct article usage
a well-known
show examples
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
show examples
.
For example
, applicants who graduate from top-rank colleges
such
 as FTU or NEU will have a higher chance to be recruited by leading companies like PWC, KPMG, Deloitte or EY which are considered
as
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apply
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BIG4.
Thus
, going to academies plays a paramount significant role in people’s success.
While
 the necessity of entering institutions is widely acknowledged, other factors
also
 lead people to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high-flyer
Correct your spelling
high-flyers
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, especially
skills
. If everyone has skill sets, they will create value for their company lặp từ as fast as possible which
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 cost time to train. Communication
skills
, adapting
skills
 or problem-solving
skills
 can be cited as compelling examples for the element to become fruitful. If a person masters IN adapting
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
, they may avoid
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 productivity when working.
Therefore
, sets of
skills
 contribute to people’s success In conclusion,
while
 going to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 an influence on
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 achievements of a person, there are alternative elements which have
effect
Add an article
an effect
show examples
 on fruitful
such
 as adapting skill.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear and logical organization of your essay. Consider more diverse transitional phrases to smoothly link ideas between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your arguments clearly and conclude them effectively. The introduction and conclusion should bookend your essay, ensuring they reflect your position comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen your main points with more detailed examples. While you provided some examples, adding depth to them will improve the clarity and impact of your arguments.
task achievement
Respond to all parts of the question. Present your stance clearly at the beginning and ensure that each paragraph contributes to your argument.
task achievement
Increase the clarity and depth of your ideas. While the essay addresses the topic, further elaboration on each point could enhance your discussion.
task achievement
Use more specific and varied examples to support your arguments. This makes your essay more persuasive and engaging, providing concrete evidence for your claims.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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