IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Recent advances in medicine have resulted in an increase in life expectancy over the past four years. Do you think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#advances #medicine #life #expectancy #four #years
With the advancement of healthcare, populations today can live much longer
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 compared to the past.
While
people
 generally find
this
 trend appealing, I would argue that by prolonging human
life
, modern
medicine
 has resulted in the emergence of a wide spectre of problems that the world needs to deal with today. In terms of individual well-being, contemporary
medicine
 certainly improved the quality of
life
. It frequently helps to prevent early death cases in the population,
thus
, resulting in increased levels of trust in healthcare among
people
.
For example
, extreme health hazards like cancer or heart attack can be more effectively combatted with contemporary treatments.
Furthermore
, some modern techniques in
medicine
 now find a cure for some diseases thought to be unrelievable previously.
Thus
, it can be said with confidence that today's healthcare is much more reliable than before.
However
, on a
large-scale
Correct your spelling
large scale
show examples
, increasing
life
 expectancy resulting from improved
medicine
 raises large sets of issues. One of its adverse effects is overpopulation, which has become one of the most significant concerns in the world in recent years. As
people
 live longer lives, the population on Earth is increasing at a rapid rate. Another issue
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 arises is relevant to the economy of a country. With the increasing proportion of older
people
 in society, governments must allocate a large portion of their budget to distribute pensions.
Due to
this
, the economy of many countries is suffering, and,
as a result
, governments are increasing the minimum age for retirement. In a nutshell, contemporary
medicine
 has generally improved the quality of
life
 worldwide.
However
, in the long term,
this
 may cause the Earth to become overpopulated and governments struggling to pay pensions.
Submitted by jaker.raimov on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents your position on the topic and provides an overview of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. In the conclusion, summarize the key points and restate your position to ensure a cohesive structure.
coherence and cohesion
Work on providing more specific examples and detailed explanations to support your main points. This will help in developing a more comprehensive and coherent argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: