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Band 5

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard?

#education #employment #people #work
Why
people
 currently tend to be more hard-working at school or the workplace is a controversial question in today’s era. From my standpoint, there are several reasons leading to
this
 phenomenon, and these seem to be beneficial indications for each individual and society.
To begin
 with, one of the main reasons which encourage
people
 to increase their efforts in their work and study is the sense of having a prestigious reputation.
This
 owing to the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there will be a higher probability of being promoted and recognised by their senior managers if
people
 show their incredible efficiency toward the undertaken work. The higher position that a person is accountable for, the more support and admiration they
received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 from
people
 surrounding
such
 as their co-workers and managers.
For instance
, a survey from a company in Vietnam revealed that the major factors that make a worker admire a particular co-worker
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 because they are hardworking and have a lucrative position.
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 reasons may be considered as a positive phenomenon
due to
 the fact that the motivations of
people
 can be enhanced, and the trust between them can be ascertained;
therefore
, the
overall
 productivity will be increased. The other cause of why
people
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a tendency to work more productively is the rise in competitiveness among students and workers.
This
 is can be reasoned that, in current eras, the explosion of the total population in many nations leads to hectic competition between
people
 regardless of their age or gender to
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 better treatment, especially in terms of employment and education. Had it not been for the rise in demand for occupations and universities
due to
higher
Correct article usage
the higher
show examples
 population,
people
 would not have burned additional efforts in order to improve their standard of living. As can be seen in numerous top universities in Vietnam
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
the majority of applicants have spent over 15 hours a day in order to have the
chances
Fix the agreement mistake
chance
show examples
 to be enrolled.
This
 is
also
 considered to be on the positive side as the fact that the
people
in particular
 and the society
in general
Add the comma(s)
, in general,
show examples
 will have the orientation toward
further
 development. In summary, it is reasonable that
people
 are increasingly working harder in
account
Add an article
the account
an account
show examples
 of asserting their reputation
as well as
 competing successfully with other
people
;
hence
, it will be a sufficient improvement.
Submitted by zanhduy on

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coherence cohesion
The essay shows a clear logical structure with well-presented introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task question and provides relevant ideas; however, the response could be more complete and thorough.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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