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Band 4.5

The large amount of time and money that is spent on conserving wildlife would be better spent on improving the lives of humans. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#amount #time #money #wildlife #lives #humans
In
this
 modern era, Local businesses should be prioritized to increase the value of local
products
 in the country.
This
 approach must be followed by restricting
companies
 from other countries to advance their
products
 there. I personally agree that giving more space for local
companies
 would generate more opportunities to attract consumers
due to
 more exposure to local
products
. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate more on below. On the one hand, some businesses lose their income from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
local consumers
due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
competitors
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 usually foreign
companies
. They attempt to provide more attractive
products
 that are affordable price as a strategy;
therefore
, the local
products
 lose the market which impacts
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their revenue. If
such
 competitors are openly given an opportunity in the country, the local brand would be neglected by the local people.
This
also
 has significant drawbacks for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entrepreneurs
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 want to start or expand their businesses in the country.
On the other hand
, opening a space for foreign
companies
 could encourage innovations in
products
. It is because the
companies
 would come up with a new idea;
thus
, it would be a spirit for local
companies
 to make more competitive
products
. Not only about the innovations but the collaboration could be created among the
companies
 to generate a fresh product to be marketed wider. In
this
 case, people can be exposed to varied
products
. In conclusion, a strategy to restrict foreign
companies
 would be a solution to encouraging local
products
.
However
, it seems to me that the collaborative aspect should be considered to increase the value of the
products
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Add an overview of your opinions in the introduction.
task achievement
Ensure that you address all parts of the prompt in your response.
task achievement
Provide more developed arguments with supporting evidence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes your main points and provides a clear concluding statement.
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