IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

İn many countries, the tradition of having family meals together is disappearing. Why is happening? What will the effects of this be on the family and society?

#i̇n #countries #tradition #meals #effects #be #society
Currently, the habit of
people
 eating together is declining day by day in various parts of the world.
This
 essay will
initially
 address how
this
 happened, followed by its detrimental effects on society.
To begin
 with, contemporary technology and work are the main reasons why
people
 shouldn’t eat meals with their family.
Firstly
,
people
 are getting busier. Nowadays, the amount of work has increased significantly, many workers want to get more money, so they always try to work as much as possible, which leads to a lack of family grub.
Secondly
, with the advent of electronic device usage, a great many
people
 moved away from live communication and have become dependent on
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
. Contrary to the past, families,
instead
 of having dinner
while
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 gather around a table and
talk
Correct subject-verb agreement
talks
show examples
, prefer the conversation on
such
 online platforms as WhatsApp or Facebook. To exemplify, the majority of friends and relatives create chat groups on these platforms, and they are constantly aware of each other. At
this
 point, it can be said the belief that family members do not meet each other in the long run can negatively affect the mental and physical health of humans.
Thus
, weakening the bonds of love between relatives can lead to the deterioration of family relations and unethical results.
Second,
by eating out too much,
people
 can have some chronic illnesses. As confirmed by a number of studies, children who have been eating with their parents at least three times a week are far more intelligent and confident compared to others. In conclusion, the disappearance of families’ eating customs can cause numerous negative impacts. If
this
 situation isn’t tackled right away, it will have an overreaching effect on many
people
.
Submitted by semabayramova00 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement in the introduction. This will help guide the reader and clarify the main focus of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph.
Task Achievement
Expand on the detrimental effects on society. Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your claims.
Lexical Resource
Use more varied and precise vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource of the essay.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Check for and correct any grammatical errors throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: