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Band 4

Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this and how it can be addressed?

#doctors #countries #people #exercise
It is believed that many
people
 from around the world don’t
seemingly
Rephrase
apply
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care much about staying fit at all.
As many
Correct word choice
Many
show examples
 hard-working man and woman have drained their own
energy
 from
work
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 their
work
 times have taken over all their daily
life
. In order to combat
this
 incident so that
people
 can live a healthier
life
, helping hands from employers and skills to balance out one's
life
 are much needed.
Firstly
, It is hard to deny that the amount of
work
 they have to endure in their workplaces is astronomically massive, even though it is a 9 to 5 job which is 8 hours on average.
For example
, as a mechanical engineer myself, throughout my day all of my
energy
 has been spent dried for my 9 to 5 job.
Although
 most of the
time
 it didn't need any labor
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the tasks were always demanding
hence
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 could only imagine myself getting into bed after my day in the office.
Additionally
, not only
work
time
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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the only factor, housework,
family
Correct word choice
and family
show examples
,... are
also
 becoming parts
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 your daily
life
's pie chart.
Hence
 it is difficult for anyone to focus on their health. For that reason, after stumbled the roots of the problems, drastic measures needed to be taken. Employers need to reconsider shortening their
time
of
Replace the word
off
show examples
work
 or breaking down their workloads, which will help their employees have enough
energy
 to
work
 out or even spare
time
 with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 as well.
However
, sometimes, it is not their company’s fault as there are many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
incidents where
people
 procrastinate which leads to loads amount of unresolved
work
.
Subsequently
, these types of
people
 need to improve to overcome their laziness
as well as
 adopt
time
 management skills. In a nutshell,
although
 health is meant to be taken seriously, many
people
 don't have enough
time
 or
energy
 to do so.
Hence
, their workplaces should shorten their employees’
time
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work
 and they
also
 need to
work
 on their
time
 management in order not to be overwhelmed .
Submitted by maituanorange on

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coherence cohesion
The essay provided a mostly logical progression of ideas with some sentences that could be made clearer. It would be beneficial to have a clear division in paragraphs that distinctly represents your points; one paragraph for causes and another for solutions.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion were present, but could be expanded upon to clearly introduce and summarize the focus of the essay. Ensure your introduction outlines the issues you plan to address and the conclusion effectively ties your points together.
task achievement
Most points were supported, but the connections to the main arguments could have been stronger. Ensure each point directly speaks to the question's tasks of identifying causes and solutions to the lack of physical activity.
task achievement
The response was complete, but some ideas were not fully developed. Make sure that the causes and solutions you discuss fully address the issue and are well-supported with details and examples.
task achievement
It is important to include more specific examples and details to support your points. For instance, provide examples of companies implementing shorter work hours or well-being initiatives, or suggest specific time management strategies people could use.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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