IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people think that children should be given lesson of how to manage money in the school? do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #lesson #money #school
It is the tenet of some individuals that
children
 should be educated on financial
management
 in educational institutions.I agree with
this
 fact as it would imbibe
money saving
Add a hyphen
money-saving
show examples
 skills in kids from an early stage in
life
 and prevent them from spending lavishly in the future.
To begin
 with,
Enlightenment
Correct article usage
the Enlightenment
show examples
 of students on the ways of managing
money
 would help them develop saving skills and help them in difficult situations later in
life
.
For example
,A child who is being taught
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the use of piggybanks to save a minimal proportion of his savings in school would learn the importance of managing
money
 early in
life
 to prevent being stranded in the future when he wishes to buy a special item or presents and
also
 there
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been a recent creation of a website popularly used among
children
 with incredible features
such
 as
management
 tips and their importance.
Furthermore
,
Children
 will get to realize that spending lavishly can have a harmful result on them
such
 as having to borrow loans in times of need because they didn't learn how to manage
money
.
For instance
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
 research carried
among
Change preposition
out among
show examples
 teenagers in a secondary school showed that the lessons on financial
management
 among
children
 in most schools have helped to reduce their consumption of
Junks
Fix the agreement mistake
Junk
show examples
such
 as
ice-cream
Correct your spelling
ice cream
show examples
because they have realised that unnecessary spending is a bad habit which is evident in the decrease in
thr
Correct your spelling
the
 proportion of sales from the mini store. In Conclusion,Lessons on
Money
management
 should be included
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the curriculum of students in different schools because
children
 should be taught
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to manage
money
 in school effectively to enable them
develop
Add the particle
to develop
show examples
 saving skills later in
life
 and prevent them from spending lavishly as well.
Submitted by bumzyakins on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide a clear position statement at the beginning of the essay to clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the given statement.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout the essay with well-organized paragraphs.
lexical resource
Diversify your vocabulary and use more precise and advanced words and phrases.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to avoid errors and improve clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial education
  • value of money
  • budgeting
  • saving
  • financial goals
  • planning
  • curriculum
  • responsible spending habits
  • debt prevention
  • parental responsibility
  • educational requirements
  • commercial interests
  • mathematics integration
  • social studies
  • bridging the gap
What to do next:
Look at other essays: