Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
Ensuring national security has become one of the main goals for
governments
all around the world, therefore
, it is proposed by some, that they should have access
to individuals' mobile phone data
, such
as messages and calls, to secure safety. However
, other people
argue that this
information is private and cannot be available without person's
approval. In my opinion, Correct article usage
a person's
such
data
access
can result in increased safety in many regions, however
, it is required to change the legislation
to make this
possible.
I agree, that when governments
are given access
to people
's phones, it is possible to fight against crime, and therefore
, develop national security. Monitoring suspicious messages,
could result in preventing terrorist attacks from happening, which can Remove the comma
apply
safe
Replace the word
save
lives
of many. Technological advances make it possible to filter all the accessed messages to find the dangerous ones. Correct article usage
the lives
This
practise
makes Replace the word
practice
this
method even more effective. However
, people
should be aware of such
practices, since current legislation
in many developed countries protects personal data
and trust governments
.
It is true that such
method
can be seen as an invasion of privacy. Correct article usage
a method
Moreover
, over the phone
Add a comma
phone,
people
tend to share vulnerable information about themselves, which is not meant to be heard by other people
. It is a civil right to have personal space. In order to give governments
access
to individuals
gadgets, the Fix the agreement mistake
individual
legislation
should be changed. This
means that the majority of citizens should vote for such
changes. To achieve this
, the benefits of the practise
, mentioned previously, should be made clearer to Replace the word
practice
people
so that they can understand the
value Change the word
its
of
Change preposition
apply
it
.
Correct pronoun usage
apply
To conclude
, I agree that the
Correct article usage
apply
governments
should have access
to our personal data
collected through our phones, however
, it is at the moment considered as an invasion of privacy, therefore
, the
Correct article usage
apply
legislation
should be changed to enable such
practices.Submitted by katja.otavina on
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Task Response
The essay partially addresses the prompt but lacks a clear stance on whether governments should have access to mobile phone data for safety reasons. It is important to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and consistently argue for it throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a relatively clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, better cohesion and logical progression of ideas can be achieved by presenting a clear thesis statement and ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the thesis. Additionally, the essay lacks a conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates the writer's opinion.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of the accuracy and appropriateness of word choice. The use of more varied and precise vocabulary would make the arguments more compelling.
Grammatical Range
The essay shows relatively good control of grammar, with few errors. However, there are instances of awkward sentence structures and some minor grammatical errors. Pay attention to sentence structure and make sure to proofread carefully for grammatical accuracy.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.