80.Some people beleive that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some say that females should have the same role as males in a nation’s
police
for or military force
, while
others would argue that women
cannot carry out these kinds of jobs. This
essay will argue that although
women
are not as strong as men
, both genders should have the same opportunities.
On the one hand, some believe that females must not be given equal opportunity to work
in the police
or military force
. This
is because women
have fewer physical abilities than men
since they are less capable of achieving their goals in these kinds of jobs. Also
, in this
type of work
, the individual needs to be able to fight against criminals, prisoners and dangerous people, which individuals can get hurt or accidents. For example
, in China, police
are one of the jobs with the highest death rates, since if they are caught by the enemies they are tortured to death. However
, I believe that as long as people have done enough physical exercise and practice, there is no difference between genders.
On the other hand
, women
are better at critical thinking, and this
can help in many situations, since working in the police
and military force
, not only requires the person to be physically fit, but also
to know how to solve problems causing less damage possible, and since women
are more careful and pay more attention to details, they are able to find evidences and things that the men
can’t. Recent research concluded, that men
are more carefree while
women
are more attentive to little changes or differences. In my opinion, both genders should have the same opportunities to work
in the police
or military, since women
are more
In conclusion, although
males have better physical ability, women
are better at critical thinking, and that is
why, in my opinion, women
and men
should have the same opportunities to work
in the police
and military force
.Submitted by elenazheng1211 on
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supported main points
It is integral that you fully develop your main points with specific examples and evidence. The essay references some generalities but fails to provide concrete, illustrative examples to support arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that you present a balanced discussion of both views. The essay tends to favor one viewpoint, leading to a potential bias in the discussion. To achieve a higher band, you could explore both perspectives equally before presenting your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The flow of your essay can benefit from more varied and nuanced transition phrases that guide the reader through your arguments more clearly. This will enhance the overall coherence and logic of your text.
introduction conclusion present
Providing a more accurately detailed conclusion which neatly summarizes the main points and restates your opinion will greatly strengthen your essay's impact.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?