IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that schools is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #schools #place
In the course of human
history
Add a comma
history,
show examples
 every person has been trying to be a good member of his/her
society
. Some believe that
this
 behaviour should be taught to
children
 by their fathers and mothers,
while
 some people claim that
schools
 are the place to teach
children
this
 issue. I would say both arguments have validity, but I would lean towards the former. On the one hand,
parents
 can be the better choice to
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 their
children
 how to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
society
 because they are the first individuals
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
children
 regard as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 and rely the most on them.
In other words
,
children
 trust
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
parents
 deeply as people who are doing everything
correct
Change the word
correctly
show examples
 and
also
 as their
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
.
Infact
Correct your spelling
In fact
,
parents
 have
profound
Add an article
a profound
show examples
 effect on their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
. So,
Children
 will accept everything their
parents
would
Verb problem
apply
show examples
say or learn
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 them. To illustrate the point, consider a six-year-old boy who is learning
newthings
Correct your spelling
new things
 day by day and their
parents
 plan to teach him to treat other people
kind
Change the word
kindly
show examples
.
This
 little boy when
see
Correct subject-verb agreement
sees
show examples
 that his
parents
 behave with other members of
society
kindly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
, will learn it more effectively than just telling him to do that.
On the other hand
,
schools
 may be a place to
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 students
being
Change the verb form
to be
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good member
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
society
 as it is the first formal institution where
children
 are taking part. To explain more,
schools
 play a crucial
role
to teach
Change preposition
in teaching
show examples
children
basic
Correct article usage
the basic
show examples
principal
Correct your spelling
principles
show examples
 of social issues because
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
thier
Correct your spelling
their
children
 have the most interaction with their
peer-groups
Correct your spelling
peer groups
show examples
 so it can
exerct
Correct your spelling
exert
 effect on
children
 more because they can do what they have
taught
Add a missing verb
been taught
show examples
 when trying to make relationships with other members of
society
 who are their classmates in
this
 case. These experiences will help them when they become mature and want to be in
a bigger societies
Correct the article-noun agreement
a bigger society
bigger societies
show examples
 like their workplace. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
parents
 are the ones who should teach their
children
 the
principal
Correct your spelling
principle
show examples
 of being
a good members
Correct the article-noun agreement
a good member
good members
show examples
 of
society
although
schools
,
also
, play a critical
role
 in
this
 issue.
Submitted by sr.alizadeh9191 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure throughout your essay. Mind the progression of ideas and arguments which occasionally seemed abrupt.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve cohesion, but be careful with their accurate use to maintain coherence.
coherence cohesion
Provide clear introductions and conclusions that effectively summarize your viewpoints. Consider using a more impactful conclusion to leave a lasting impression.
task achievement
Address the prompt fully by providing a detailed discussion of both views as well as your own opinion. Ensure balanced coverage and development of each perspective.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate your ideas to enhance understanding. Aim for a more in-depth explanation and justification of your arguments.
task achievement
Incorporate examples that are directly relevant and support your point of view to strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Moral compass
  • Ethical paradigms
  • Cultural mores
  • Civic duties
  • Socialization
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Pedagogical approaches
  • Value systems
  • Cohesive society
  • Formative years
What to do next:
Look at other essays: