IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that in order to be successful in business one has to study at university, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #business #study #university
There is a debate over whether a
university
 degree is essential to achieve
business
 success or not. Both views will be discussed in
this
 essay and I believe that the latter view is more persuasive than the former.
To begin
 with, there are a few reasons why a bachelor’s degree is advantageous to
business
 opportunities. For one thing, it can prove the graduates’ intelligence, specializing in some particular areas.
This
 is because they acquire professional knowledge in the universities.
For example
, students who major in administration can build a sturdy basis for their management tasks since they intensively learn accounting, personnel and audit. In spite of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 mentioned above, I am of the opinion that studying at
university
 is not necessary to attain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
career fulfilment. One of the main grounds for
this
 contention is that real experiences are more crucial than academic ones inasmuch as there is a huge gap between practical situations and theoretical guidelines.
For instance
, in problematic circumstances, workers who went through
crisis
Correct article usage
a crisis
show examples
 are more competent than those who did not. Another reason commonly put forward is that personal aptitude and prowess have greater effects on successful
business
. Basically,
university
 graduates are useless unless they do not have the ability to apply their expertise. Case in point, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg developed small start-ups
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 international corporations, even though they dropped out of
university
. In a nutshell, considering the above arguments,
it is clear that
,
although
 having a
university
 degree has some merits, without the certification people can accomplish
business
 success.
Submitted by moonmond15 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Ensure that you have a clear thesis statement in your introduction that outlines the upcoming discussion and your own viewpoint. This helps the reader anticipate the structure of your essay and understand your position upfront.
logical structure
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing techniques to create a more sophisticated flow of ideas. Transition words, synonyms, pronouns, and varied sentence structures can all contribute to improved coherence and cohesion.
supported main points
While you provided examples, consider adding more depth to them with additional details or explanations to fully convey their relevance and strengthen your argument.
complete response
Strive for a fully developed response to the task by addressing all parts of the prompt in sufficient detail. Expand on your ideas to show a complete understanding and provide a comprehensive answer to the question.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on articulating your ideas more clearly by refining your argumentation. Focusing on clarity will help in presenting comprehensive ideas, making your essay more accessible to the reader.
relevant specific examples
Enhance your argument by providing more varied and specific examples that are directly linked to your main points. Make sure that the examples are clearly relevant and contribute to the development of your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: