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Band 5

Smoking should be banned in public places because it not only harms the smokers, but also those who are nearby. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#places #smokers
One of the issues of today's society is how
people
 behave in public.
Although
 smoking is a harmful and
deleterios
Correct your spelling
deleterious
 habit, many
people
smoke
 and the most
unfavorable
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unfavourable
show examples
 part is when they do it in closed public places. I fully believe that smoking should be banned in public and smokers must do it in determined areas to avoid disturbing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others. One of the main problems that would
raise
Correct your spelling
arise
show examples
 by allowing smokers to
smoke
 in public is that the health of other citizens would be affected. Each individual should be free to do what they want to do as long as it does not harm anyone, and smoking in public is not obeying
this
 rule.
For example
,
sensetive
Correct your spelling
sensitive
people
 like
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the eldery
show examples
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
 and babies would be in danger
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the
smoke
.
Additionally
, the lives of
people
 with breathing issues could be threatened.
Hence
,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 must be smoking areas here and there to make it easier for smokers to light their
cigarrettes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
 in a restricted place and
respcet
Correct your spelling
respect
the
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apply
show examples
others. Another social issue that smoking publicly causes is the effect on young
people
's minds. As an illustration, consider a teenager who has not developed the ability to
differenciate
Correct your spelling
differentiate
 between good and bad. He may look at a smoker in a park and think that it is a cool thing to do. But if the
people
 who
smoke
 are forced to do so in a restricted area, they are no longer in much sight and there is less likely for youth to take them as a role model. It is important to teach teenagers that smoking is not
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sign of growing up or a brave thing.
Overall
, I totally agree that smoking in public should be limited to only certain places and not everywhere.
Therefore
, others who care about their health would be saved from
smoke
 and teenagers would keep in mind that smoking is not a positive action to do.
Submitted by mohamad.sanaye462 on

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task achievement
Your essay conveyed your full agreement with the idea that smoking should be banned in public places. Each paragraph did maintain focus on the central argument. However, your main ideas could have benefited from a deeper and more varied development with specific examples. To improve, you should seek to deepen your analysis in each paragraph and include a wider range of supporting examples. Additionally, ensure that your examples are directly relevant to the argument you are making in each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, it could be improved by enhancing the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. Some sentences were somewhat unclear and detracted from the cohesion of the text. Transitions between sentences and ideas could be smoother. Employ a variety of linking words and phrases to create a more coherent flow throughout your essay. It is equally imperative to review sentence structures for clarity and make use of paragraphs to logically organize ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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