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Band 3

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. Do you agree or disagree?

#government #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #governments #services
It is discussed by a part of society
that is
government
 should invest the money in the arts. Another group of people oppose and consider that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 must invest
this
 income in community
services
. I will discuss both sides in
this
 essay below. There are several reasons, why
government
 must make
investment
Fix the agreement mistake
investments
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 arts and other social activities. Nowadays, people are very depressed because of hard life situations. In European countries, %70 of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 has financial difficulties.
Unemployement
Correct your spelling
Unemployment
 ratio has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased and life conditions
are become
Change to the active voice
become
have become
show examples
 more difficult.
The social
Correct article usage
Social
show examples
 activities like concerts, theatre etc. help people to
make
Verb problem
be
show examples
 less
stress
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
.
In addition
,
this
 kind of
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 appealing
tourists
Change preposition
to tourists
show examples
,
therefore
 it may be a huge income for governments.
For example
; In yearly,Vienna is
visiting
Wrong verb form
visited
show examples
 by more than 1 million opera lovers tourists.
On the other hand
, governments must not forget to
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of community
services
. As you know, governments are selected by
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
 votes. The Sunday Times recently reported that %65 of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 vote
according to
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 public
services
 quality.
Transportation
Correct article usage
The transportation
show examples
 system and education system are one of the most important
criterias
Correct your spelling
criteria
 of folk's voting. In conclusion, each particular idea has its own benefits and drawbacks. A
government
's
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most important duty is
make
Fix the infinitive
to make
show examples
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 public happy.
Therefore
, they should invest
arts
Change preposition
in arts
show examples
 and public
services
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by mervekerkuklu on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure, but it struggles with logical ordering and complexity of ideas. There is an introduction, body, and conclusion, yet the essay's internal logic sometimes seems disjointed. Consider using a more varied structure and clearer topic sentences to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
You've addressed both sides of the argument, which is good. However, the essay would benefit from clearer examples and a deeper exploration of the topic. Aim to provide more precise and elaborate evidence to back your points, and ensure your conclusion weighs both sides to form a more nuanced argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
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