IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Now a days celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than their achievements, this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
In
this
 modern generation, more famous figures are popular for their glamorous lifestyle compared to their careeristic achievements which has a detrimental effect towards society's young people. In my opinion,
this
 statement is true and
such
 perceptions need to be changed to foster a healthy society.
For instance
, luxurious lifestyles, exotic car collections etc. getting more popular in social
media
 is changing societal values rapidly,
hence
, teens are adopting
such
 notions as a proper way of
life
. A proper example would be infamous actors or actresses who are promoting
such
 materialistic aspects of
life
 on social online platforms for their monetary benefits.
Such
 people gain enormous followers
due to
 these reasons. Teenagers get attracted to these individuals quickly and crave
such
 materials in their real lives.
Consequently
,
due to
 these facts, the sheer difference between
reel
Correct your spelling
real
show examples
life
 and real
life
 is extinguishing.
Moreover
, a significant reason would be social
media
 norms which play a crucial role in these ramifications. Social
media
 made connecting with people all over the world easy,
hence
, gaining
popularity
 is a nimble option. The influencers are using
such
 petty tactics to gain more
popularity
 without thinking of its detrimental effects.
Additionally
, talented actors are left behind for lack of
popularity
. Their talent is of no use in
this
 fast-paced world of materialism. Talents are getting replaced by materialism heavily. Various big business brands not only fashion-related but
also
 other things are investing in
such
 social
media
 influencers to promote their products
infront
Correct your spelling
in front
 of their fandoms.
Hence
, Social
media
 influencers have become quite popular jobs rather than acting. In conclusion, materialism has gained more
popularity
 than talent ,
hence
 , affluent individuals are more prone to social
media
 than talent-based platforms.
As a consequence
, these developments are harming societal norms heavily and changing societal structures. The young generation is affected more than adults, thence, fostering a divergence in society by broadening the gap between affluent and poor individuals.
Submitted by nehakarmakar45 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that the essay maintains a clear position throughout and provides a balanced argument by considering counterpoints or solutions.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing clear topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure that the subsequent sentences coherently support the main idea.
task achievement
Include specific, relevant examples to strengthen the argument. General statements are less effective than detailed, illustrative anecdotes or statistics.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by using a range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs, which will provide better flow and clarity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: