IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#aim #science #people’s #lives
Education plays an important role in the public's development from time to time.
However
, since the 17th century,
science
 has grown more and more decade by decade. In
this
 essay, I will explain why I strongly agree with the statement that the main purpose of
science
 is to make humans live better.
Firstly
, natural
science
 has become very helpful in increasing the number of healthy
people
 and their life longevity. Medical
science
 has provided many ways to cure some diseases or make a prevention way so
people
 can avoid
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
illness.
For example
, children
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
ages
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
3 to 5 are given influenza vaccines so that next time they will not
get
Verb problem
be
show examples
 affected by
influenza
Add an article
the influenza
an influenza
show examples
 virus.
In addition
, with more advanced
science
 and help with technology, medical
science
 can save
people
 who face
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
dying.
Secondly
, social
science
also
 plays an integral part
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in a
country
 with a
democracy
Replace the word
democratic
show examples
 ideology. In a democratic
country
, the
government
 makes a policy based on conditions in the
country
 at the moment and
history
Correct article usage
the history
show examples
 of
their
Change the word
the
show examples
country
.
For example
, Indonesia became a democratic
country
 in 1998, the
government
 made new policies that suited their society. They realized a dictator
government
 was really disliked by
people
 and it can be dangerous when
people
 assembled did the demo. Since Indonesia has become a democratic
country
, the
government
 and society can collaborate and it becomes more peaceful. All in all, I strongly agree
science
 helped boost
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 life in a variety of aspects. Both natural and social
science
Fix the agreement mistake
sciences
show examples
 are very useful for improvement in
people
's lives. Neutral
science
 can help unhealthy
people
 back to their good condition, prevent disease with vaccines, and increase the longevity of human life. Social
science
 makes
people
 create a more peaceful
country
 to live in.
Submitted by 2024successielts on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively paraphrases the prompt and clearly states your position, which sets the stage for a well-structured essay. To further enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay, transitioning between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother. Phrases that guide the reader more clearly through your argument can create a stronger logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported with examples, but for a higher score, try to develop these examples further. Explain how they directly relate to the thesis and how they impact people's lives. This will demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
task achievement
The essay adequately addresses the prompt and provides a clear response to the essay question, but make sure to consistently analyze both sides of the argument. In a 'to what extent do you agree or disagree' essay, it is beneficial to acknowledge potential counterarguments, even if you don't agree with them, before reinforcing your own position.
task achievement
To achieve higher clarity and comprehensiveness, try to delve more deeply into your ideas. A more thorough development of your argument, perhaps by providing more nuanced examples or recognizing the complexity of the issue, would enhance the response.
task achievement
Including specific, detailed examples would strengthen your argument. While you have offered some examples to support your ideas, they remain somewhat general. Try to provide specific data, case studies, or historical instances which can add authenticity and weight to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial role
  • enhancing
  • quality of human life
  • advancements
  • medicine
  • healthcare
  • scientific research
  • solving societal problems
  • improving living standards
  • global issues
  • climate change
  • food scarcity
  • technological advancements
  • limitations
  • negative consequences
  • ethical considerations
  • sustainability
  • environmental preservation
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