IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods . This is having a negative effects on both families and societies . To what extent do you agree or disagree

#countries #foods #effects #families #societies
Nowadays, the increased popularity of international fast
foods
 has shifted
authentic
Change preposition
to authentic
show examples
foods
 in some countries.
Hence
, either households or societies are being impacted by adverse effects. I absolutely agree with
this
given
Verb problem
apply
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statement and the reasons behind my
thought
Fix the agreement mistake
thoughts
show examples
 will be discussed in
this
 essay. First and foremost, many households are affected
to consume
Change preposition
by consuming
show examples
 fast
food
, potentially experiencing health problems. Junk
foods
 have more fat, sugar, and salt than are generally recommended in
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 diet. A study from Alfa Laboratorium shows that
this
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these
show examples
 meals are one of the biggest
caused
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causes
show examples
 of harmful diseases,
such
 as obesity, diabetes, and cancer. In fact, many families give their children burgers, pizza, or fried chicken
instead
 of traditional
foods
, which contain more nutrition and less processing.
That is
 why the influx of global instant feeding in a country is quite dangerous.
Moreover
, society will experience
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
losing their own local
food
 business
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 the expansion of global franchises.
The local
Correct article usage
Local
show examples
foods
 will lose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
popularity and many people who sell local
foods
 will go out of business,
consequently
, young generations do not have a chance to try their native country
foods
. With the progress of time, there is no one from denizens can introduce their traditional meals to the world and the state will
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not have an iconic identity.
Hence
, colonialism from international
food
 should be decreased. In conclusion, Globalisation can make international junk
foods
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
seize the existence of traditional
food
 and present negative impacts on families and citizens,
such
 as health and business problems.
Submitted by helainhye2 on

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Coherence and cohesion
Include a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to improve the structural flow of your essay. This helps in logically sequencing ideas and ensuring clarity.
Coherence and cohesion
Enhance the introduction with a clearer thesis statement that outlines your argument and the main points you plan to discuss. This sets a strong foundation for your essay.
Task achievement
Support your main points with more diversified and concrete examples. Consider including statistics, research findings, or case studies to strengthen your argument.
Task achievement
Work on a more balanced development of ideas throughout the essay. Ensure that each paragraph is well-developed and the main points are clearly articulated and expanded upon.
Coherence and cohesion
While your conclusion summarises your main points, try to restate your thesis in a more impactful way that truly highlights the significance of the topic and your stance on it.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural identity
  • heritage
  • culinary practices
  • prevalent
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • diet-related health issues
  • economic challenges
  • street food vendors
  • family dynamics
  • on-the-go
  • environmental degradation
  • sustainable
  • eco-friendly
  • homogenization
  • foodscapes
  • agricultural diversity
  • biodiversity
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