IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might be this case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?

#people #work #company #organization #case
These days,
people
 are used to
be
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 self-employed rather than serving
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a company or organization.
This
 is mainly because of the stressful
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 of the companies.
However
, there are certain disadvantages associated with being self-employed especially,
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 risk of collapsing and
need
Correct article usage
the need
show examples
of investing
Change preposition
to invest
show examples
 more
money
initially
. The major cause that drives
people
 to initiate their own
business
 is the increased stress of the
working place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
. It has become apparent that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 employees in
majority
Add an article
the majority
show examples
 of companies are struggling to make a living by working
over-time
Correct your spelling
overtime
show examples
 in very toxic and stressful working environments. Once they
returned
Wrong verb form
return
show examples
 home, they are completely exhausted and
this
 negatively
impact
Change the verb form
impacts
show examples
 on relationship between the family.
Eventually
Add a comma
Eventually,
show examples
this
 will lead to the occurrence of non-communicable diseases as well.
For example
, research carried out by the University of California revealed that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 eight employees out of 10 suffered from high blood pressure.
In contrast
, if you are engaged with your own
business
, ultimately, you will be having a good inner peace.
On the other hand
, there are a few drawbacks
behind
Change preposition
to
show examples
 being self-employed.
Preliminary
Add an article
The preliminary
show examples
 one is the sudden
collapsing
Replace the word
collapse
show examples
due to
 various reasons.
For instance
,
people
 who own
vehicle
Fix the agreement mistake
vehicles
show examples
 importing and selling Ventures
face
Wrong verb form
have faced
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a disastrous situation recently because the government banned the importation of vehicles to the country. Another drawback is the need
of investing
Change preposition
to invest
show examples
satisfactory
Add an article
the satisfactory
a satisfactory
show examples
 amount of
money
 in the initial stage. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, it is quite challenging for
Add an article
a middle
the middle
show examples
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
 person to start their own work unless they do not have
sufficient
Add an article
a sufficient
show examples
 amount of
money
.
Furthermore
, if the person is not keen on managing the resources again he is not willing to earn a profit from the
business
. In conclusion, at present, there is a growing tendency of
people
 to
shifting
Wrong verb form
shift
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their own
business
 rather than working
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 an employer. The main reason for
this
 transformation is the increased stress caused by the organizations. Anyway,
possibility
Add an article
the possibility
show examples
 of collapsing and
need
Correct article usage
the need
show examples
of investing
Change preposition
to invest
show examples
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 amount of
money
 can be identified as
major
Correct article usage
a major
show examples
drawbacks
Fix the agreement mistake
drawback
show examples
 of being self-employed.
Submitted by nipunianudhika1111 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. Your essay discussed reasons for self-employment and its disadvantages, but more varied examples and a deeper analysis would enhance completeness. To improve, consider including a wider range of reasons for self-employment, as well as a discussion on the societal or economic impacts of this trend.
Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, focus on structuring your essay more clearly. While you have an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, transitions between ideas could be smoother. Use a range of linking words to ensure a better flow. Additionally, each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that tells the reader what the paragraph will be about.
Supported Main Points
Developing your main points with more detailed examples and explanations will make your arguments more persuasive and your essay stronger. Whenever you mention a fact or observation, try to back it up with specific evidence or explain how it supports your main idea.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: