IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

An increasing number of professionals, such as doctors and teachers, are leaving their own poorer countries to work in developed countries. What problems does this cause? What can be done to deal with this situation?

#professionals #doctors #teachers #countries #work #situation
Nations with excellent life
conditions
 receive more and more highly-educated migrants from
countries
 with low economic
conditions
, and
this
 movement not only
causes
 low welfare in origin locations
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 makes targeted places overpopulated. In order to solve
this
 issue certain improvements need to be made in both
type
Change to a plural noun
types
show examples
 of
countries
. People with certain
profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
show examples
 think that they deserve to live in better
conditions
, and
therefore
 change their locations to meet these standards by leaving their home country.
This
causes
lower
Add an article
a lower
show examples
 level of qualified employees in their home country because the number of well-educated part of the citizens falls.
Furthermore
,
this
 trend creates the result of poor nations losing their educated members
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and leads the situation that rich
countries
 become more and more full
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 qualified people,
therefore
this
causes
 reverse effects to migrates' expectations:
unemployement
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 and poor life
conditions
. Take, İstanbul
for example
, the number of unemployed professionals is higher than the number of working class'. Improving welfare and implementing job occupations which satisfy their subjects are the solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 problem, which
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
only can be done by force of the governments. For undeveloped
countries
, the governments
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should increase the work
conditions
 and create new branches, and
likewise
, so as to solve high workforce demands, places with high standards should
also
 implement the same. In Berlin,
for example
,
due to
 its rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 receiving migrants, the German government has now opened 3 new hospitals and over 200 new schools to meet the workforce demand.
To conclude
,
rising
Correct article usage
the rising
show examples
 movement of individuals with high career subjects
causes
 lower
develoption
Correct your spelling
developing
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 in
origin
Correct article usage
the origin
show examples
countries
 and
unemployement
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 in targeted
countries
 and an effective solution
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
to solve
this
 is ensuring occupations in both the poor and the rich
countries
.
Submitted by :DDDDD on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction and conclusion were present but could be made clearer. Try to restate your thesis and main points more explicitly in the conclusion.
Logical Structure
Your essay's structure is logical but can be improved for better flow and clarity. Try to use more transitional phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' or 'Consequently,' to connect your ideas more smoothly.
Supported Main Points
While you've provided examples, such as the situation in İstanbul and Berlin, make sure your examples are directly related to the problems and solutions discussed. Additionally, include more diverse and specific examples to illustrate your points better.
Complete Response
You've addressed the task by discussing the problems and solutions related to the migration of professionals. To enhance your essay, try to delve deeper into the reasons behind the migration and its implications. This will provide a more comprehensive response.
Clear & Comprehensive Ideas
Your ideas are generally clear, but they can be presented more comprehensively. Try to elaborate on your arguments by explaining how and why certain solutions would be effective. This will make your essay more convincing.
Relevant & Specific Examples
Your examples are relevant but could be more detailed. When providing examples, explain how they directly relate to the topic at hand. Incorporating more specific details will make your argument stronger and more persuasive.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: