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Band 6.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
Nowadays, some
people
 believe it is crucial to take on their luck, especially in a professional or personal way. In my opinion, most of the time the
result
 of our chances can surpass the drawbacks. First of all, taking risks can bring various benefits, from profits, hard skills and soft skills, to valuable experiences. In
this
 case, those who dare to try to become an entrepreneur will try to plan every little detail carefully to save their own resources. In doing so, they are able to gather promising
people
 to join the company and help build their dreams.
This
 will demand them to learn and hone both their hard and soft skills
such
 as leadership, negotiation, business management, and so on.
Thus
, when the
result
 is successful, they will get massive profits for all the hard work and
also
 gain worthwhile experiences they can share with others.
On the other hand
, taking chances without good preparation can lead to a downfall.
For example
, when a person who is building their first company without a clear and long-term plan can
result
 in bankruptcy.
Thus
, they will lose all of their life savings and get an enormous number of debts they need to repay. Typically, many
people
 in
this
 situation will spiral into depression or go haywire, in the worst-case scenario they will take their own life, leaving only a burden and sadness for their living family. In conclusion, when
people
 try to get out of their comfort zone to reach their dreams, there will be a 50-50 chance of getting the desired
result
. But I think when
people
 can strategize well before taking the risk, it will be more advantageous than disadvantageous.
Submitted by desyaf99 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure a strong thesis statement in your introduction that clearly states your viewpoint. This will make your position more evident to the reader from the beginning.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance your essay, incorporate a broader range of linking devices and transition phrases. This will improve the flow and connectivity of your ideas.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. These examples should be detailed and directly related to the argument you're making, as this strengthens your overall argument and makes it more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Attempt to balance the development of ideas between paragraphs. Ensure each main idea is explored thoroughly with equal emphasis and detail.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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