Some people think that success in life come from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both view

Whether achievements in our lives are
due to
industrious conscientiousness and determination, or come from financial factors and beauty.
This
writer agrees that effort and hard work are deserved to achieve success with wealth and a beautiful outlook and these factors are more important than appearance. It must be understood that a determined and hard-working person can make profits and boost their physical appearance by their ability.
This
type of person can easily make a profit because they have the firmness of purpose making money, which is the most important condition to be rich.
Moreover
, external appearance would be improved easily when a firm individual takes it seriously thanks to the fact that it is unchallenging to be beautiful in the contemporary world.
However
, critics justify that property and presence in the contemporary world play a crucial role in promoting jobs quickly. They argue that the prior condition to be promoted in working is looking and financial balance because people often have good emotions and comfortable judgment with charming and rich individuals.
Moreover
, there are some occupations that require attractive employees
such
as flight attendants, receptionists and communicating staff.
Therefore
, finance and outlook are necessary for working
This
is a credible point, but diligent and determined workers could know the way to show their value to develop a successful job. It is self-evident that these workers are most likely to perform their potential power and utilise all their skills to be better at working. They can use their experience and skills to make a good impression,
consequently
, they could have a chance to improve their social relationships and get into the employment that they want.
As a result
, studious and determined labourers have enough ability to catch up with the pears have money and
good
Add a missing verb
have good
show examples
physical arrival.
Thus
, it can be seen that money and display are important
due to
promotions in jobs and typical job requirements.
However
, studious and determined workers have enough ability and vitality to deserve to achieve success.

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Specific Examples
Work on providing more specific examples to support your arguments. This can help strengthen your viewpoint and make your essay more persuasive and comprehensive.
Language Variety
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Grammar and Spelling
Be mindful of grammar and spelling to ensure clarity and professionalism in your writing. Small errors can distract from the overall message of your essay.
Balanced Discussion
You've done well in presenting a balanced discussion by exploring both viewpoints thoroughly.
Organization
The organization of your essay is commendable; having clear paragraphs for each viewpoint helps in understanding and following the argument.
Task Response
You've demonstrated an understanding of the task by outlining both views and taking a clear stance in the conclusion, which is very good practice in essay writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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