IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
It is often argued that
higher calorie
Add a hyphen
higher-calorie
show examples
food
 is harmful to the human body. So, the price of
such
 items should be beyond the limit of common
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 purchase. I completely agree with
this
 opinion and
this
 essay will describe the reasons for my opinion. First of all, Junk
foods
 are produced using
such
 ingredients, which create
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on the important organs of
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 body.
This
 may lead to fatal diseases and
also
 sometimes failure of some organs.
For instance
, some diseases
live
Verb problem
that are
show examples
diabatic
Correct your spelling
diabetic
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, high blood pressure,
kidney
Correct word choice
and kidney
show examples
 failure
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
direct
Add an article
a direct
the direct
show examples
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of eating
much
Rephrase
too much
show examples
sugar contain
Correct your spelling
sugar-containing
show examples
foods
.
Moreover
, Obesity has become a global problem throughout the world, which is increasing day by day because of
sugar contain
Correct your spelling
sugar-containing
show examples
food
 selection.
That is
 why it is necessary to increase
price
Add an article
the price
show examples
 of Some selected
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
, which are injurious to health.
Secondly
, fast
foods
 are mostly preferred by teenagers.
By eating
Change preposition
Eating
show examples
much
Rephrase
too much
show examples
,
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be an addiction for them, which brings negative results for
childs
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
.
For example
, children lose their appetite
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 healthy
food
 items, which are mandatory for their growth. The brain development of children is badly affected by
such
 kind of
food
 habits.
Moreover
,
child’s
Fix the agreement mistake
children’s
show examples
 teeth are damaged by
higher calorie
Add a hyphen
higher-calorie
show examples
foods
 as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 higher
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of sugar . Sometimes teenagers more addicted to
such
foods
 may become
matter
Add an article
a matter
show examples
 of Irritation for parents.
Thus
, the impact
future
Change preposition
on future
show examples
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
 is
adversely
Replace the adverb
adverse
show examples
.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that initiatives must be taken to raise the cost of sugary
food
 because it is unhealthy for individuals.
Submitted by mokaddamul on

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detailing
Ensure all paragraphs are well-developed with specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
language use
To enhance cohesion, use a wider range of linking phrases and transitional words.
accuracy
Check for minor grammatical inaccuracies to ensure your essay remains polished.
balance
Consider both sides of the argument before presenting your position to add depth to your discussion.
structure
Your essay presents a clear and well-structured argument in support of making sugary products more expensive.
content
You've successfully supported your points with relevant examples and logical reasoning.
task response
Great job on maintaining focus on the topic and addressing all parts of the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
What to do next:
Look at other essays: