Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
We are living in an extremely competitive world.
This
society is continuously pushing us, making us feel that we must be the best in everything we do,
and that we must have a rivalry with our colleagues to be better or to get more recognition than them. Remove the comma
apply
However
, in the long run, I don’t think this
theory has been proven true. In this
essay, I would like to argue why I believe that the education approach should be reconsidered in our schools, so kids stop competing between themselves and are shown the importance of cooperation to achieve their goals.
It has been widely instilled in our educational system that you have to be always better and if possible, the best. Research shows that more than 80% of the high school student have felt the pressure of having to have better qualifications than their peers. Unfortunately, when they haven’t, this
has had a negative impact on their mental health, making them feel they were not enough, or that they were not worthy.
On the other hand
, it has been observed, that in those educational methods, such
as Montessori or Regio Emilia, in which the focus is on cooperation, there is no willingness to be the best in the class. Instead
of that, there is ambition for achieving goals, but always working together as a team and making contributions.
In conclusion, the current competitive education systems must be reconsidered. Although
, being competitive is not a negative attribute, in my opinion in schools the pupils should be educated to work together and show the power of teamwork.Submitted by olatzbaroja on
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Enhancement of Language Variety
Consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and maintain the interest of your audience. Complex sentence structures can create a more compelling argument and showcase your language proficiency.
Inclusion of Diverse Examples
To further enrich your discussion, you could include more diverse examples or cite specific studies that support your viewpoints. This will add depth to your argument and demonstrate a broader understanding of the subject matter.
Logical Structure
You've structured your essay in a clear, logical manner, effectively discussing both views before stating your own opinion. This shows excellent understanding and handling of the task.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively encapsulate the main points and your stance on the topic. This brings clarity and coherence to your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is cohesive, with a clear progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next. This makes your argument easy to follow and understand, demonstrating effective use of language to build an argument.
Task Achievement
You've completed the task by addressing both views and providing your own opinion. The ideas are clear, comprehensive, and supported by relevant examples, showcasing a full understanding of the topic.
Language Precision
Your choice of specific words and phrases effectively contributes to the clarity and persuasiveness of your argument. This precision in language use is commendable.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.