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Band 6

The migration of people to cities is one of the biggest problems facing the world's cities today. Discuss the main causes. What solutions could be used to tackle the situation?

#migration #people #cities #world #situation
Cities
 globally faced challenges because a large
number
 of
people
 moved to the
cities
. The main reason could be the lack of jobs in the
countryside
. To tackle
this
problem
 the government should distribute the factories in the
countryside
. Recently, the Migration of individuals to the
cities
 has created problems across the world. It means the growing population in the
cities
 provides the
cities
 with different challenges.
furthermore
, as much as
people
 become more in the city’s privet cars will become a lot.
For example
, traffic jumps are one of the reasons for crowds.
Moreover
, moving a large
number
 of
people
 to the
cities
 provides
cities
 with a lack of residential areas.
For instance
, in Melbourne City which is the host of a huge
number
 of international students and tourists,
people
 face in challenge of accommodation.
Therefore
, moving the population to the
cities
 is a big concern.
However
, the growing population in the
cities
 is a big challenge. How to solve
this
problem
 is an arguable point. The way how to tackle
this
problem
 needs to refer back to the root of
this
 challenge which is jobseekers.
For example
, the establishment of factories and supermarkets in the
cities
 attracts a large
number
 of jobless
people
 from the
countryside
. To tackle
this
 subject government should policy which
accordingly
 industries distributed to the
countryside
 to keep
people
 too far from
cities
.
To conclude
, moving
people
 to the
cities
 is a
problem
 across the world. because the individuals in the
countryside
 need jobs they have to live where can access duties.
Therefore
, how to solve the
problem
 government should separate industries in the
countryside
.
Submitted by hsmkashi on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear argument structure which is commendable. However, consider using a broader range of linking words to enhance cohesion further.
coherence cohesion
Try to incorporate a variety of complex sentence structures to demonstrate linguistic range and accuracy.
task achievement
Providing more specific examples and elaborating on them will enhance your task achievement score. It helps to substantiate your arguments and makes your essay more informative.
coherence cohesion
Be cautious of small grammatical errors and maintain consistency in verb tenses to improve clarity and cohesion.
task achievement
You could improve by ensuring that your introduction and conclusion are more impactful. Begin with a stronger statement and conclude by summarizing your main points and reiterating your position.
task achievement
You successfully addressed the topic and provided relevant arguments.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of your essay is clear, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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