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Band 6

Obesity has become an issue in some Western countries, especially among children.What are the reasons behind and what effects does it have on individuals' life?

#obesity #countries #children #effects #individuals #life
Nowadays,
obesity
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 turned
a
Change preposition
into a
show examples
major obstruction in Western countries, especially among juveniles.
This
 essay will shed light on
rationales
Correct article usage
the rationales
show examples
 behind it and reveal its effects. Major reasons that pave the way for additional weight are not only a poor diet but
also
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of regular
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
Initially
, individuals primarily give the preference to eat unhealthy junk food in McDonalds or KFC. In today’s fast-paced society, widespread GM food can induce to be overweight.
Secondly
, the shortage of responsibility to do daily workouts can lead to
obesity
. Individuals splash out their time to immerse themselves
to obtain
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in obtaining
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 invaluable knowledge at school rather than doing exercises. Routinely engaging in activities
such
 as daily
run
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running
show examples
 can contribute to
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
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 fit and can diminish our mass. The implications of
obesity
 are getting serious day by day and
needs
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need
show examples
 to be taken into consideration.
Firstly
, fatness can generate serious health-related issues and influence adversely our life expectancy. Eating a balanced diet can alleviate the symptoms
than
Correct word choice
that
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 plumpness brings about. Being
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 can impede children
to race
Change preposition
from racing
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 competitively, causing a multitude of negative jokes
by
Change preposition
from
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 other students. Undergoing
a
Remove the article
apply
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bullying is a common phenomenon that takes place in the majority of schools.
According to
 some scientists, plumpness can suppress unpleasantly juveniles’ reasoning and deep thought, impacting undesirably to their graded marks and job life. Taking everything into consideration, despite the fact that being
obesity
 has a number of grounds
such
 as diet
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 and irresponsibility of individuals, there are abundant essential obstacles that
obesity
 causes.
Submitted by bhoswriting on

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Logical Structure
You've done an excellent job in developing a clear, logical structure for your essay. Each paragraph serves a distinct purpose and contributes to the overall argument.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your essay, clearly stating the topic and summarizing the main points. This provides a strong sense of closure.
Supported Main Points
You excellently support your main points with relevant examples and explanations. This enriches your argument and makes it more persuasive.
Complete Response
Your essay fully responds to the task, addressing both causes and effects of the issue comprehensively. Well done on presenting a complete, well-rounded argument.
Clear and Comprehensive Ideas
Your ideas are clearly and comprehensively articulated throughout the essay. This clarity and depth of understanding enhance the reader's engagement.
Relevant and Specific Examples
You've included a variety of relevant and specific examples that effectively illustrate your points. This use of specific examples significantly strengthens your argument.
Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively constructed, providing a strong framework for your essay.
Logical Structure
You've structured your essay logically, making it easy to follow and understand.
Supported Main Points
Your use of specific examples to support your points is particularly commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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