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Band 6.5

scientits and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists? to what extent do you agree?

#scientits #technology #experts #society #musicians #artists
A debate surrounding whether
scientists
 and
technology
 experts should be prioritized over musicians and
artists
 has become a topic for years.
While
 it is true that science and
technology
 bring a lot of positive influences on the whole society,
there
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 is undeniable that
people
 whose jobs are related to arts play an important role in personal mental health and spiritual development. Admittedly, I can understand why some
people
 support that
scientists
 and
technology
 experts should be respected by the public because our human beings indeed gain many benefits from the advancement of science and
technology
.
For example
, the Internet bridges the gap between
people
 from different regions.
This
 could have a domino effect which increases the communication between various countries and cultures,
thus
 eventually stimulating economic development and cultural exchange.
Furthermore
, the innovative breakthroughs that
scientists
 invented have saved
people
's lives.
For example
, the creation of covid-19 vaccine has been a successful achievement in halting the spread of the virus.
However
, I still firmly hold the opinion that musicians and
artists
 should
also
 be valued.
People
 live in a fast-paced life, which means they would face a number of hurdles and pressures. Those artistic masterpieces could help them release their burden and feel relaxed, which is beneficial for their mental well-being. More importantly, different
artists
 possess unique characteristics that not only reflect their individual creativity but
also
 serve as embodiments of diverse cultures and traditions. By appreciating their products, it could offer opportunities for
people
 to have a better understanding of their origins,
thus
 enhancing their cultural identity and heritage. In conclusion,
scientists
 and
technology
 experts deserve our society to respect them
due to
 their great contributions.
However
, those invisible contributions which are created by musicians and
artists
 should
also
 be underscored.
Submitted by liuqiyuan0827 on

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task achievement
To improve the clarity of your argument, consider directly stating your stance in the introduction. This will make your position clear from the beginning.
coherence and cohesion
Try to introduce a wider range of connective words and phrases to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs, making your essay more cohesive.
language proficiency
Incorporate a more diverse vocabulary to express your ideas. This will not only enrich your essay but also demonstrate your language proficiency.
task achievement
You've effectively used examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You've presented a balanced view, acknowledging the importance of both sides before expressing your own viewpoint.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Societal value
  • Economic contribution
  • Cultural enrichment
  • Technological advancements
  • Emotional resonance
  • STEM education
  • Innovation
  • Job security
  • Cultural identity
  • Intellectual enrichment
  • Media portrayal
  • Financial rewards
  • Tech moguls
  • Survival
  • Advancement
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