In recent years, sports stars have become increasingly famous and wealthy. For some, this is a benefit, raising the profile of sports, but for others, it is a negative influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#years #sports #stars #benefit #profile #influence

Presently, stars in most types of

sports

, especially those known more among

people

, have become highly renowned and rich. It is true that these can improve the image of

sports

while

some other

people

assert that it will negatively affect the

sports

. I

therefore

side with the latter group, attempting to outline some possible reasons. One common argument is that injecting so much

money

into

sports

could encourage children and teenagers to change their way toward it.

This

would be absolutely effective, but those who entered into

sports

would have high expectations about

money

and their status rather than focusing on the

sports

itself.

Furthermore

, sportsmen and sportswomen have become role models, and

while

they don't deserve it, they only seek wealth and attention, which would be detrimental to society as a whole.

As a result

, children who follow these stars would imitate their

behavior

Change the spelling

behaviour

show examples

, concerning their parents, who shoulder the huge responsibility of bringing up well-mannered society members. Other

people

may argue that stars in

sports

can make it more fascinating, attracting a huge number of

people

, which

consequently

can absorb the high-powered companies to advertise their products or services through

sports

events, which can create job opportunities.

However

this

may divert attention from the competition to profits. Nowadays, commercialized

sports

emphasize

money

and social media more than teamwork, loyalty, and bravery, which were the primary characteristics of the former generations.

For example

, Neymar is a case in point, who left his club

due to

money

to another club in Saudi Arabia.

In other words

, investing so much

money

and attention to sportspeople, ironically, has ruined the purity of

sports

. In summary, injecting

money

into

sports

and increasing the fame of those involved might seem beneficial in raising the profile of

sports

Nevertheless

, these implications have proven to be problematic, causing complications in

sports

, and now the concentration is more on the

money

than the activity.

Submitted by TUTOO on Sat Mar 30 2024

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Structure & Clarity

Ensure each paragraph is well-structured around one main idea. Break down complex thoughts into clearer, more focused sentences to enhance understanding.

Supporting examples

Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. While the reference to Neymar is relevant, additional, varied examples could strengthen your case.

Argument Development

Balance your argument by exploring more deeply the opposing viewpoint. Acknowledge the benefits but also critically examine them to provide a more nuanced discussion.

Structure

You've structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a logical flow.

Task Response

Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, which is excellent for task response.

Use of Examples

Your use of a real-world example (Neymar) to support your argument shows an effective way to make your point clearer to the reader.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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11Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

317 words

6.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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In recent years, sports stars have become increasingly famous and wealthy. For some, this is a benefit, raising the profile of sports, but for others, it is a negative influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Some people believe that cerain old buildings should be preserved more than others. What types of old buidings should be preserved ?Do you think the advantages of preserving old buildings outweigh the disadvantages ?

Some People believe that childhood is the best stage of happiness. While others believe that a person can enjoy more happiness in other stages of life. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, celebrities are more known for their glamour and wealth than their accomplishments and this is setting a bad example for the youngsters. Do you agree or disgaree with the statement ?