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Band 5.5

In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It is enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#crime #attack #poverty #lack #opportunities #police #street #people #prison
To start with, for me,
it
Correct pronoun usage
I
show examples
 started to live way harder in modern society because it feels like the government doesn'
t
 solve the problems of
crimes
, murders, youth crime, etc. The government is reducing the money on some other things
instead
 of protecting its population from some dangerous things that are spreading out more and more daily.
For instance
, I can say that analyzing some of the
people
 who committed
crimes
, I can'
t
 really say that each of them lacked educational opportunities, they had a job, family, and everything that a common person can have in life, so I don'
t
 agree with a statement that it's about not having education,
instead
, I fully agree with that thieves have to have more help for their mental state. It supports the idea of abuse in lots of families in each country of the world, thieves don'
t
 need a reason for doing their
crimes
, but they totally have it on why they became like
this
. Eventually after abuse and not mentally stable
people
 in life, the person can start to feel okay with doing something wrong, especially illegal.
In addition
 to
this
,
people
 through a lot of centuries tried to develop the police system, and as I see
this
 situation it didn'
t
 really help in reducing crime in the world, because of lots of illegal businesses, millionaires, and billionaires who didn'
t
 under control of government and police, and the reason is money,
also
 an opportunity on using weapons legally, etc.
To sum up
, I think
people
 should have mental help, and the system doesn'
t
 need to punish those
people
 physically, but
instead
 work on their thoughts and find a reason for their
crimes
this
 way.
Submitted by wegeeetz on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider structuring your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion to enhance logical flow and coherence.
Task Achievement
Expand upon your examples by providing more detailed analysis and evidence. This will strengthen your argument and task achievement.
Task Achievement
Remember to explicitly address the prompt by clearly stating your agreement or disagreement and supporting your position throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
You've approached the topic with a personal perspective, adding uniqueness to your essay.
Task Achievement
By discussing mental health and the ineffectiveness of current police systems, you've touched upon critical societal issues, which makes your essay substantive.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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