IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
Some
people
 believe
music
 is a bridge to connect
people
 from different cultures and ages and I agree with the viewpoint.
Music
 can bridge cultural and generational divides as it allows
people
 to perceive emotions across diverse backgrounds. To be specific, the patterns in melody and rhythms can activate certain areas in
people
’s brains, leading to feelings of happiness or excitement in response to
music
.
For instance
, Gangnam Style - a fast-paced piece of
music
 - was popular worldwide because when
people
 heard the song, they spontaneously danced to it and enjoyed the moment together.
Besides
, some
people
 shared their dance of the song on social media apps,
such
 as YouTube, leading to heated discussions between individuals from different countries. Had it not been for
music
,
people
 would not have
such
 a good chance to communicate.
However
, there are generation gaps in
music
 as some elderly
people
 find it difficult to appreciate the cutting-edge
music
 genres.
For example
, some older
people
 prefer the kind of
music
 they heard when they were young and dislike the new forms of expression like K-pop
music
 which is keen by the younger generation. In my opinion, different tastes in
music
 are inevitable and these gaps encourage the younger generation to share their own ideas with the elders, which contributes to more communication between different generations. In conclusion,
while
 there are still some
people
 who cannot accept
music
 from the newest genres,I believe
music
 is
agood
Correct your spelling
a good
 way of bringing
people
 of different cultures and ages together.
Submitted by 609438328 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay cohesively addresses the topic and maintains a clear progression of ideas. Consider varying your sentence structures and incorporating more transition phrases to enhance readability.
task achievement
Your arguments are effectively supported with relevant examples, and you've done well in addressing both sides of the argument. Be sure to dig deeper into explaining why this topic impacts society to further strengthen your response.
task response
You've presented a thoughtful perspective on the role of music in bridging cultural and age-related divides.
task achievement
The example of 'Gangnam Style' effectively illustrates music's universal appeal and its power to connect people.
coherence cohesion
Addressing the potential generation gaps in musical tastes adds depth to your argument and shows an understanding of different viewpoints.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
What to do next:
Look at other essays: